Go away anxiety

I wish it would go away…

 

I struggle to leave the house. I only go out to nip to work ( I own my own business’s with staff) even tat I a military operation. its easier during winter as I can wear my scarfs and gloves I’m already dreading summer. I struggle so much with germs my business are not the best choice as there dealing face to face with the public everyday of the year.

I dream of the day I can run away and live somewhere more isolated and self sufficient with minimal contact with people. I know this is just my anxiety feeding this because the other half of me wants to travel and see the world.

I’m so restricted by my anxiety the furthest I can go is work I don’t even stand in the queue at the bank.

Our weather has been so awful we cant even get out in the garden or to walk. Many days are being spent sat in front of the sad lamp.

the last few day have been really bad I’ve struggled to sleep and eat and had very bad muscle aches de to tension.

 

ive found some natural things that help take the edge of the days when there really bad.

ill make a blog post soon with them all.

mummy loves you….

Dear baby boy

 

I’m so sorry I’m so poorly. I try so hard I really do. when your asleep I lie next to you with tears dripping down my face. I feel I cant be the mum I used to be or I dream of being.

You always tell me how I’m the best mum how much you love me. your so strong for mummy you hold my hand when I’m anxious and always ask how I am. You sit with me when I’m sad and encourage me to eat when you see I’m struggling. someday I’m so tired inside so tired of trying so hard to be the mum I used to be before this ugly illness joined our life.

I’m now the mum I used to feel sorry for people having. but what I didn’t realise when I did that was what you tell me all the time that you love me no matter what and I’m the best mum to you…

I wish I could do all the things we used to do but I cant I cant go to crowded paces or eat out but I can play with you at the park, read stories with you, teach you to grow veg,bake cakes with you.

one day ill be a normal mum but to you I know you don’t see anything different in me you just see your mummy who loves you so much.

 

mummy

xx

eating disorder and anxiety

For as long as I can remember I have had strange relationships with food. I was always a healthy size but thin I struggled to eat as I was anxious about being sick and ate very healthy not your normal choices a child would choose. This developed further and I became very strict in my diet as to what I would eat and what was a safe food. Also if someone in my family or I was ill I wont eat the food I the that day again as my anxiety feeds the ideas that the bad things will happen again. This isn’t just related to food its also clothes.

 

I was never skeleton thin and have but was always around 7st 6 and at 5ft 7 that to me is to thin and a weight I’m unhappy at.

since my anxiety has relapsed and I have developed   germ phobia  my eating is awful.  I’m now living on a few safe foods the same diet every day at set times in the day. The rules around my eating are hard for me to understand never mind my family . these are some examples

:no one can touch my food or be in the kitchen when I’m making food due to the risk of germs

:I have to use certain pans and utensils which must be cleaned in a certain way.

:I cant eat out or near other people

:I have to have he food at certain times

I could go on but seeing these written  down they seem pretty crazy but there fed by my anxiety my fears that if I break these set rules I will be ill or someone in my family will be.

I have just been referred for a assessment relating to my eating as mental health support is hard to get non of the services seem to feed each other and it seems like I will constantly be repeating my story.

healgel

suffering with very bad eczema since being a baby I’ve always struggled to find anything that doesn’t make the skin on my face feel on fire. I read about this online and decided to try it its amazing.

being months of 30 I need to make use something on my face to prevent the wrinkles heal gel face cream and eye cream sooths my skin and leaves it feels soft and refreshed. It keeps the skin hydrated even when I’ve spent all day outside in the cold at forest school with my son.

Its defiantly my go to face and eye cream my husband bought me the body cream for Christmas now he’s finally discovered internet shopping.

Ill be back with a review once in the next week or two.

cbt and nhs therapist

I’ve had cbt before it was great the lady was lovely we total clicked and she understood me and my strange OCD issues. Unfortunately we’ve moved area and I had to go to a new service well to say it was a interesting first appointment would be a understatement.

The NHS is amazing but there mental health support in my area sucks. Unless your a danger to yourself or others you have no chance of airport other than a few sessions with the local support team.

So off I go after the go recommended I attend the local centre. I thought what’s to loose let’s try.😀

:your anxious, your minds running over time

:you feel vulnerable

:feel like people will laugh at you and your world in your head

Well yes it went terrible.

I’m sat in this small sweaty hot room with a lady I’ve never met who keeps looking at her watch quietly frankly is obviously counting down the time to dinner

After asking me a million and one questions on a questionnaire that didn’t really relate to me she then asks me why I’m there. I say “don’t you have my notes I’ve already had a telephone consultation” she’s looks blankly at me. I guess not I mutter

As I start to tell her my issues she’s keeps asking have you had cbt before I don’t know what will work so we will go down the same route as before. 😳 You obviously have lots of issues I only have space for 8 sessions so I’ll see what I can do.  Shocked was a understatement yes I’ve anxiety and OCD and food issues but there all linked together.

Out I walked after she tried to book another appointment straight on the phone to the gp to ask for a private referral. She agreed so I wait to see how this will go…….

oh gosh

Oh gosh I’m nearly 30!!!!

I don’t know where times gone. Life’s just flown by usually I’m so excited for birthdays but  9 months away and I’m dreading this birthday.

It feels like such a milestone a birthday where I thought I’d have this wonderful fairy tale life the kind you see on a Disney movie although I’m sure to look at from a outsider prospective I have all this

but still I’m crippled with serve Anxiety and ocd an a eating disorder the one Ray of sunshine is my amazing little boy who brightens up my world.

Follow my blog as we tick of my bucket list and how I come to terms with turning 30.

The anti wrinkle creams already purchased and the 1st grey hair has popped.

I think this could be a bumpy ride. Hold on tight.

Me……

I’m a mummy to a beautiful little boy who is mine and his dads world. I’m also run some successful business with my husband.

My little boy is home schooled so we spend all our time learning and growing together its was the best choice for him and makes him so happy. he is a massive technology fan and loves gaming anything from Minecraft to skylanders to Lego and Mario we have them all and there the main topic of conversation in our house from morning till night. He is  usually counting down till the next new game launches or researching  different strategies on the internet.

I on the other hand suffer with serve anxiety ocd which has triggered a eating disorder (infect I’m just a mess) but unless you know me very well this is all hidden behind a front I’ve learnt to put on. roughly 3 months ago I suffered a nervous breakdown I’ve been anxious for as far back as I can remember but have mostly managed to keep it under control but this time I have found it so overwhelming my head feels like cotton wool and I have developed anxiety so serve that I dot know how I get out of bed some days.

I’m currently having treatment although most of it we have had to pay privately for. a the nhs doesn’t seem to offer much in ways of treatment local to me.

This is definitely  going to be one of the hardest most bumpy years of my life. who knows where this will end.

As well as the ups and don of my mental health which will be very honest posts my blog will be full of happy pictures and our home schooling  journey..