A weekend away is so stressful

This weekend was meant to be a lovely weekend, it was on the surface.

Beautiful hotel, my amazing husband lovely food (well to look at I couldn’t eat it) private hot tubs, boat rides it couldn’t have been anymore perfect apart from the cloud that hangs over me.

the panic and worry was so bad I’m worn out. its triggered a flare up of my fibro and i.e. I’ve dragged myself to work everyday but spent the afternoon in bed/ looking up treatments to help me improve and dreaming of the life I used to live wen I was slightly anxious. Anxiety just takes over it controls your thoughts, your movements, even while I’m dreaming I’m dreaming of it. my monster that lives with me.

mental health care

I’m now two moths in to seeing a private physiatrist. I’m no where nearer any treatment other than him trying push antidepressants on me (which I’m to scared to take and keep telling him this) I already take a beat blocker I don’t feel I can take anything else right now he  when he went on to say that he’s sure they probably wont help but jut need to rule them out.

sometimes it feels there’s no way to turn. no where to go for help and that I’m just stuck..

he suggested inpatient but at £11,000 for two weeks not many people have that disposable income available no mater how desperate they are. I asked for a nhs referral but he didn’t seem to keen and suggested phycologist treatment at £100 a time. I cant help but feel sad that everything cost o much money for mental illness yet if I was physically ill id be treated for free.

I’m going back to the gp to discuss this with them. I cant be the only person struggling in ur area yet I feel like I am its like no treatment is out there. ive had cbt before through the women’s centre but again or services have been cut and the wait is long.

I’m off to look into services in our area.



tan-dropsBeing as run down as  I am at the moment and being winter in the country I live in. I’m very pale with dark circles at the moment.

I so these drops advertised on qvc ( yes I spend many nights watching it thanks to anxiety nightmare’s) I bought the drops and couldn’t wait for them to arrive.

I’ve tried the drops over the last few weeks by adding them into my morning moisturiser (heal gel). I’ve had a lot of comments on how I look healthier (yes !!!) I swear I love these they look so natural even with extremely pale skin there also not orange which or stick in your hair line like some tans do.

next to try the body tan.


I’m struggling to eat so much at the moment. all my safe foods have now become a risk and the only things I can manage are homemade soup, homemade bread and fruit loaf cracker cheese and porridge.

its hard I’m struggling with feeling sick I’m struggling with the though of germs near my food.


last week I invested in some nelsons nux vom I used to use it as a teenager. I like it because its homeopathic and natural. The days I’ve been desperate I’ve taken it and its eased the symptoms a little to help m manage to eat a small meal or snack. my weight is sitting around 7st8 (I’ve never been big my frame is petite) but I know I need to gain weight.

I’ve recently been told about a nhs inpatient programme that treats germ ocd and other types of serve anxiety and ocd. but they wont see you if you are underweight so before I ask for a referral I know I have to increase my weight. its so hard with the nhs in my area there nothing unless your suicidal. I’ve a appointment with my private physiatrist in a couple of days let see where this goes.