I saw this quote it fitted me so well… 

I saw this quote on Pinterest and as I read it I knew this was me. This is mylife. I can’t plan anything I can’t let myself enjoy anything because I’m so anxious my thought are so negative no matter how much I try to change them it’s so a battle. 

This weekend should be amazing and it was for everyone but me. We got the keys to our new holiday home. Everyone was so excited but even though I’m there in body I struggle so much to be there in mind it’s just a constant battle that’s so tiring and hard to win. 

what is wrong with me..

sometimes I think there’s something really wrong with me how can I function like I do but yet be so incapable of being happy and looking after myself.

I own 2 large supermarket type stores with post offices in won many national awards for them and employ lots of staff. yet I cant cope from the outside I look like I am, people always comment on how calm I am yet every days a fight a battle to go work, to eat, to remember my appointments, I’m so wrapped up in doing everything for everyone else my son my husband that I’m at the bottom of my own pile and everyone else’s. I’m so sick of listening to my staff complain about each other I now how a staff suggestions box. really I just want to turn around and say to them back off you don’t know what I’m going through I’m not bothered if someone didn’t wipe the fide door handle wipe it yourself. There complaint are so trivia yet to me cos my  life is n a downward spiral.

I often feel like there’s no one to talk to no one who understands I guess I purposely isolate myself from any one other than family. I cant remember the last time I smiled yet I have so much to smile for but I’m so unhappy its like having little demons inside.

My life is the perfect example that money and material things don’t buy you happiness like so many people think. We used to dream (when I had friends) about our life’s when we was older. Mine was to be a ballet dancer (I was) then own my own business have a family drive my dream car have a holiday home. yet I’m 9 have all those things and more but I’m sad more than sad I’m ill.

Anxiety doesn’t Exculde anyone ….

I never share pictures of my self but I’m forever hearing off people you can’t be anxious you don’t look it. You can’t be anxious you don’t have anything to be anxious about. 

Well yes I do I have such serve anxiety it controls my days and my life. I can’t breath as it feel it’s squashing me. I can’t touch anyone or anything due to germ anxiety. Yet I’m successful because i have to be I have to earn money I have to keep my business’s going because I have staff counting on me. 

So here’s a picture of me just to show anxiety exculdes no one. Stressful day ahead at work interviews. 

A busy week equals anxiety meltdown 

Life can be so busy and tough it makes me so anxious everything I know I should be doing to look after myself to help myself cause me stress and anxiety. But I made it to counselling this week. 

Here’s something that I think explains anxiety really well and living with some one who suffers 

Dear me…

Your to hard on yourself,your mind’s so troubled your bodies so tired yet your still her your still breathing still living,still working. You should be so proud. So proud of what you’ve achieved,you’ve achieved more than people with no illness yet your days are so dark.

Time is gone in a flash and people are robbed from us in seconds yet your stuck, stuck in your anxiety bubble unable to breath, eat and care for yourself yet your functioning and that’s amazing. No one knows how ill you are. To the world your a successful business woman with privileges one could only dream of. Yet your scared you can’t live your dreams your stuck. You life’s stopped still it can’t move forward your family can’t grow you have no friends yet you have so much to give.Your forgot in time.

The worlds just moving yet your living stood still. But who’s going to take that step and what step will it be to move forward and live or to stay this way and die…..

Ever wondered why…

Sometimes I wonder why…

 

why i I live where I do?? Why I have the business I have?? Why I put up with the things that have made me ill and why I love someone who doesn’t care???

 

im not sure I know the answers maybe I want to change them. Even though deep down I know they won’t. Maybe I want to make them see there selfish.. they’ll never see that. Maybe I want them to change???

When really it’s me that’s changed, me that’s lost my dreams my goals and my life for them..

I know no one can make me better other than me I think it’s time to stop looking for there approval it’s not a healthy relationship and time to start living and being me..