Here’s me 

I’m feeling brave and sharing a picture of me. I hardly have any pictures of me since I’ve become ill, I used to love my picture taken when I was younger. I want people to know anxiety takes no prisoners weather your young or old, successful or just starting your life, a mum or dad, it will take or your world control your thoughts your days and slowly battle to take your world. Just because someone doesn’t look anxious

please don’t insult them when they open up to tell you by saying oh you don’t look anxious

it creeps up on you when you least expect it, makes you question yourself, takes all your dreams away.

there is alight at the end of the tunnel and I will get there..

 

Today’s beauty buys

So I decided I’m nearly 30 ( 3 months away) nothing much else is going how I planned but I will try and prevent those wrinkles. On the internet I went to find something to help my eyebrow wrinkles and under eyes. I finally decided to purchase nip+fab no needles eye cream. 

I have really sensitive skin and always have  so after a test patch I was good to go. Day 4 no skin reaction which is great news for me. I’m looking forward to using this Product over the coming months. 


Seen as most of the country now has sun. We have heat but a lot of cloud I decided the winter shades of nail varnish need to be packed away and out came the summer ones. My favourite nail brand at the moment is nailberry I love everything about them and there excellent ingredients. Most of all the colours are amazing and they have lots of choice for every occasion. 

Lastest colour 

When it all just clicks .. 

The light bulb moment when it all just clicks. Why do I do this to myself my I’m ill I’m burnout and aI’m struggling to enjoy everyday is just a push to get through. 

So bows my time to take back control no one can help me there isn’t any surpport or any magical cure in my own expert( I should be the amount of years and books,hours I’ve spent researching every way to help myself. 

I’m here I’m ready to conquer this one big lifestyle change is my job I need to change move away from retail I’ve never loved it I just fell in to it to support my partner after my career as a ballet dancer was cut short due to devolving chronic fatigue. My life scarily replays it’s self it’s a never ending circle of recovery and relapse but this time I’m her and I’m ready. 

I love cooking I make healing organic soups and halal soups my dream would be to launch this product as there’s nothing available in the market currently. I currently sell them in my stores I need to move away from them they bring me down even more than I bring my self down. 

I’ve started having Alexander technique lessons to help with my injurys from dancing and realine my posture and I’ve recently started working through cure your emetophobia & thrive by rob kelly. I hope to blog about my recovery and experience using the book. 

For now I’m here I’m ready for recovery and a change in life.. 

Beauty talk

Heading towards summer the few days that we have and the few days were predicted to have. I panicked I’m pretty pale and I’m to anxious to go abroad to anxious to sit in the sun ( you get the jist) so what better way to get a tan than try a new fake tan. 

Selfie tan was top on my list it’s was recommended to me and to be honest was on offer online on tkmaxx when I happened to be doing a order it arrived and I decided to put in on in a morning… 

bad move the guide colour was live I’d be rolled in varnish I arrived to work my husband said I looked like I had a serious skin condition that’s after I’d applied make up over the top. My own fault for thinking I’d not follow instructions. 

Washing it off in the shower late after the guide colour was finished away it left a lovely non streaky sun kissed glow. 

Would I recommend it?? Yes 

I used the medium to dark I have brown hair but once the guide colour was washed of I didn’t find it to dark and would say two coats would give you the perfect holiday glow. 

hi…

I’ve not posted for a week or so. life’s been hectic and anxiety has been high. I’ve taken over another business and been busy organising post offices and refit and audits y minds been pretty much cotton wool. The spar time I have had has been spent completing the last few assignments for my nutrition and mental health course and spending time with my son.

Anxiety wise things are pretty much as bad as they were I’ve started a diary to track my symptoms to see if there related to my hormones and am planning to go to see someone who specialise in this problem is we live up north and most seem to be based in London not great when you have severe germ anxiety. I’m struggling to eat anything other than dry food and porridge so am loosing weight I am supplementing in t my diet build up drinks. my gp sent a referral of for a nhs physiatrist appointment as I would like to attend inpatient or day patient at a ocd clinic she recommended. I’ve sacked the private physiatrist I felt like he just wanted my money and we never moved forward.

I’ve lots to share on my blog about the last few weeks so hopefully I can update soon.

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Babies and family

This post isn’t exactly anxiety related but it cause me many hours of anxiety and lots of sleepless nights. 

As I’ve mentioned I have one little boy ( not so little anymore) I never dreamed I’d only have one child my dreams as a young girl was a big family. My pregnancy was fine I was anxious but controlled it mostly by using hypnobirthing techniques. The labour was okI thought it was stressful.Early labour lasted 2days probably not helped by the fact I was so scared to eat due to not being wanting to be sick that I ended up with a drip. I then had to have a epi due to him being back to back and stuck. But I was 10cm sat chatting on my phone with sunglasses on my head ( I was telling my husband to hurry up he was stuck deicing the car) he was delivered by ventouse and a huge cut lots of blood and stitches late I survived. But I swore to myself no more that I’d die (yes thank you anxiety for your bullshit thoughts) 

I spent the next year crippled with post partum anxiety related to dieing and time just went by here I am nearly 7 years late still with crippling anxiety but with more added to it now. I can’t let him be a only child. Or is that my selfishness? I know he’d be fine he’s happy ,smart ,caring, amazing boy but I worry so much about him when he’s older. We have no close family my brother hasn’t had children yet. What if he’s left in the world on his own. Who will surpport him when he needs them or be at his wedding or help him when he needs it?? It makes my chest feel heavy just thinking about it. 

Yet the idea of pregnancy and birth scares the heck out of me. How can it be so hard, surely I must be over thinking this?? I’m sure he’d be fine on his own but Is that just me trying to make my self feel better…