Babies and family

This post isn’t exactly anxiety related but it cause me many hours of anxiety and lots of sleepless nights. 

As I’ve mentioned I have one little boy ( not so little anymore) I never dreamed I’d only have one child my dreams as a young girl was a big family. My pregnancy was fine I was anxious but controlled it mostly by using hypnobirthing techniques. The labour was okI thought it was stressful.Early labour lasted 2days probably not helped by the fact I was so scared to eat due to not being wanting to be sick that I ended up with a drip. I then had to have a epi due to him being back to back and stuck. But I was 10cm sat chatting on my phone with sunglasses on my head ( I was telling my husband to hurry up he was stuck deicing the car) he was delivered by ventouse and a huge cut lots of blood and stitches late I survived. But I swore to myself no more that I’d die (yes thank you anxiety for your bullshit thoughts) 

I spent the next year crippled with post partum anxiety related to dieing and time just went by here I am nearly 7 years late still with crippling anxiety but with more added to it now. I can’t let him be a only child. Or is that my selfishness? I know he’d be fine he’s happy ,smart ,caring, amazing boy but I worry so much about him when he’s older. We have no close family my brother hasn’t had children yet. What if he’s left in the world on his own. Who will surpport him when he needs them or be at his wedding or help him when he needs it?? It makes my chest feel heavy just thinking about it. 

Yet the idea of pregnancy and birth scares the heck out of me. How can it be so hard, surely I must be over thinking this?? I’m sure he’d be fine on his own but Is that just me trying to make my self feel better… 

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