Life can be so busy and tough it makes me so anxious everything I know I should be doing to look after myself to help myself cause me stress and anxiety. But I made it to counselling this week.
Your to hard on yourself,your mind’s so troubled your bodies so tired yet your still her your still breathing still living,still working. You should be so proud. So proud of what you’ve achieved,you’ve achieved more than people with no illness yet your days are so dark.
Time is gone in a flash and people are robbed from us in seconds yet your stuck, stuck in your anxiety bubble unable to breath, eat and care for yourself yet your functioning and that’s amazing. No one knows how ill you are. To the world your a successful business woman with privileges one could only dream of. Yet your scared you can’t live your dreams your stuck. You life’s stopped still it can’t move forward your family can’t grow you have no friends yet you have so much to give.Your forgot in time.
The worlds just moving yet your living stood still. But who’s going to take that step and what step will it be to move forward and live or to stay this way and die…..
Sometimes I wonder why…
why i I live where I do?? Why I have the business I have?? Why I put up with the things that have made me ill and why I love someone who doesn’t care???
im not sure I know the answers maybe I want to change them. Even though deep down I know they won’t. Maybe I want to make them see there selfish.. they’ll never see that. Maybe I want them to change???
When really it’s me that’s changed, me that’s lost my dreams my goals and my life for them..
I know no one can make me better other than me I think it’s time to stop looking for there approval it’s not a healthy relationship and time to start living and being me..
I think most people feel this at some point but pretend we all pretend to live that perfect life to the outside world. when really we should share more maybe less of us would struggle if those fake perfect pictures of those perfect pretend life’s people display on social media weren’t out there for us to see and compare our life’s to. when in reality most people will at one time struggle will wonder why there still here and will want to run and keep running.
From the outside I look like I got everything and I know people think well how can she feel like that how can she be anxious I’ve also been told your not as bad as me to manage to go to work. Hey guys its not a competition no one can judge what anyone else feels in fact the truth is you don’t see or feel the melt down from holding it together enough to keep my business running cos I have over 30 staff relying on me.
I’ve challenged my self a little this week I’m a very guarded person and don’t often share what’s going on for me inside but I saw a lady on a parenting forum I use who status made me so sad and I reached out to her to check she was ok. it turns out se wasn’t she was struggling just like I am but maybe her knowing that that someone she doesn’t know and has never spoken to cares enough to ask she’s ok might just lift her feelings of dread and anxiety for those little moments.
I was approached by a customer today one I used to speak to regular who asked where I had been. I usually say busy at another store but this time I decided to tell the truth I explained I had sever anxiety the look on there face when I told them was worthy of a picture. they couldn’t believe it a I came across so confident and friendly they said. turns out they suffered badly hen they were around my age.
so next time you log in to social media and see these perfect life’s remember nothing is perfect everything has cracks and at sometime everything will break it just how you deal with it that make the pretty picture.
I’ve not posted for a little while as I’ve been really struggling it seemed pointless to post and share only negative things. (Honestly sometime you just don’t want to write the things that are in your head because then they become real)
so today I met my new counsellor at first site I was nervous she reminded me of a school teacher ( I can’t be the only one who passes little judgey comments in there head) but after 5 minutes I relaxed she was lovely and most of all she really understood. She understood me ( that’s hard I don’t even understand myself) she listened to my life story how my anxiety started what’s happening now and how I’m struggling and she turned round and said anyone else who has suffered and lived with what you have would be on the floor now. You should be so proud of yourself. For that split moment I did stop and think
yes I’ve survived days I thought I wouldn’t
I’ve lost a parent very young in a traumatic way.
my 1st short term boyfriend was physically violent to me on numerous occasions when I was 16.
I’ve been badly bullied
I won’t go on as I don’t want to bring the post down but for that split second I saw what other people see the front I put on the happy trendy mum who adores her little boy and has built very successful businesses.
That spilt second soon passed but hopefully one day it’ll stay a little longer.
After being pushed by my little boy who had seen a article in the news about hypnotherapy and anxiety (hes only 6 hes my little cheerleader) i rang up and made a appointment. ekk!!!
The day came and with a bit of a push i got out the car (yes i asked my mum to drop me off even at 29). i was met by a lovely lady who asked about why i was coming and what i hoped it would help. i explained i was really open minded and explained all my problems relating to my anxiety and ocd.. I felt really relaxed as she was so lovely and understanding and had experienced a phobia and hypnotherapy had really helped her.i find its always best when your being treated by someone who understand so of what your going through because they have been there them self.
the first session was a short hypnosis she explained what would happen and how it was a deeper relaxation than meditation. it was quite a strange feeling for me to relax my body so deeply i didn’t realise how much tension i carried especially in my shoulders ribs and thighs.
after she brought me back into the room i still felt deep relaxed but very calm. The rest of the day i felt calm until night when the anxiety hit very serve.
since my appointment i have made a conscious effort to practise mindfulness there has been quite a lot of situations especially at work where i would usually not be able to handle but instead i have taken a breath and worked through. yes i’m still very anxious yes i still have really bad germ anxiety and life’s a struggle but for those few minutes everyday i have been able to breath a little easier.
im going back for another appointment so hopefully those odd minutes of sunshine might turn into 5 minutes one day..
This weekend was meant to be a lovely weekend, it was on the surface.
Beautiful hotel, my amazing husband lovely food (well to look at I couldn’t eat it) private hot tubs, boat rides it couldn’t have been anymore perfect apart from the cloud that hangs over me.
the panic and worry was so bad I’m worn out. its triggered a flare up of my fibro and i.e. I’ve dragged myself to work everyday but spent the afternoon in bed/ looking up treatments to help me improve and dreaming of the life I used to live wen I was slightly anxious. Anxiety just takes over it controls your thoughts, your movements, even while I’m dreaming I’m dreaming of it. my monster that lives with me.
I’m now two moths in to seeing a private physiatrist. I’m no where nearer any treatment other than him trying push antidepressants on me (which I’m to scared to take and keep telling him this) I already take a beat blocker I don’t feel I can take anything else right now he when he went on to say that he’s sure they probably wont help but jut need to rule them out.
sometimes it feels there’s no way to turn. no where to go for help and that I’m just stuck..
he suggested inpatient but at £11,000 for two weeks not many people have that disposable income available no mater how desperate they are. I asked for a nhs referral but he didn’t seem to keen and suggested phycologist treatment at £100 a time. I cant help but feel sad that everything cost o much money for mental illness yet if I was physically ill id be treated for free.
I’m going back to the gp to discuss this with them. I cant be the only person struggling in ur area yet I feel like I am its like no treatment is out there. ive had cbt before through the women’s centre but again or services have been cut and the wait is long.
I’m off to look into services in our area.
Being as run down as I am at the moment and being winter in the country I live in. I’m very pale with dark circles at the moment.
I so these drops advertised on qvc ( yes I spend many nights watching it thanks to anxiety nightmare’s) I bought the drops and couldn’t wait for them to arrive.
I’ve tried the drops over the last few weeks by adding them into my morning moisturiser (heal gel). I’ve had a lot of comments on how I look healthier (yes !!!) I swear I love these they look so natural even with extremely pale skin there also not orange which or stick in your hair line like some tans do.
next to try the body tan.
I’m struggling to eat so much at the moment. all my safe foods have now become a risk and the only things I can manage are homemade soup, homemade bread and fruit loaf cracker cheese and porridge.
its hard I’m struggling with feeling sick I’m struggling with the though of germs near my food.
last week I invested in some nelsons nux vom I used to use it as a teenager. I like it because its homeopathic and natural. The days I’ve been desperate I’ve taken it and its eased the symptoms a little to help m manage to eat a small meal or snack. my weight is sitting around 7st8 (I’ve never been big my frame is petite) but I know I need to gain weight.
I’ve recently been told about a nhs inpatient programme that treats germ ocd and other types of serve anxiety and ocd. but they wont see you if you are underweight so before I ask for a referral I know I have to increase my weight. its so hard with the nhs in my area there nothing unless your suicidal. I’ve a appointment with my private physiatrist in a couple of days let see where this goes.